Not interesting.

All My Friends

Though when we’re running out of the drugs,
and the conversation’s winding away;
I wouldn’t trade one stupid decision,
for another five years of life

San Francisco is this great drug and you sit on top of Bernal Heights and watch boats named ‘Opportunity’ and ‘Raw Ambition’ and ‘Your Worst Self’ sail by so far off you can’t read the red paint on their hulls, and throw your head back and open your mouth in the shape of a cloud.

— Stephen Elliott

real bad news

i’ve got love and anger
they come as a pair
you can take your chances
but buyer beware
and I won’t
make you feel bad
when I show you
this big ball of sad isn’t
worth even filling with air

Monogamy is not a cure for jealousy

Even if you choose a lifestyle of sexual exclusivity, your partner will probably love someone else. They will probably find other people sexually and/or romantically attractive, they will have fantasies about those people, and ultimately they will probably want more than you are able to give. If you decide to structure your relationship such that neither of you will pursue anything beyond friendship with others, so be it, but this will not eliminate the existence and problem of jealousy.

It will just avoid the problem by treating the symptom rather than the underlying cause.

The love you have for someone is because of who they are, and should not be dependent upon who else loves them or who else they love. So, for someone to say that they could not be polyamorous because they are too jealous, what they seem to be saying is that they do not want to deal with the reality of human needs, desires, or the possibility that they may not be able to satisfy every need a person has.

Jealousy is not a reason not to be polyamorous; it is a reason to consider not being in a relationship with anyone. Jealousy does not go away just because you are not sharing, it just isn’t challenged when we are not sharing. It’s sort of like teaching children how to share toys; if you just keep them all separate and let them play with their toys separately, the problem never arises. But when you put children together, they fight over toys. Separating them does not alleviate the problem, it only avoids it.

Similarly, separating everyone out with monogamous pairings does not make jealousy go away, it just tries to create a dynamic where it ideally is never relevant. It is an unrealistic expectation and is rarely possible. So why try?

Only because it avoids the problem most of the time. From a practical point of view, it is easier to not deal with hard problems. But this is short-term thinking, and does not lead to us growing up to emotional adulthood. Jealousy is one of the many aspects to human behavior which we need to address as a species, and too often it is shelved in the name of practicality.

We can do better than that.

Jealousy and Polyamory

Banksy on Advertising

“People are taking the piss out of you everyday. They butt into your life, take a cheap shot at you and then disappear. They leer at you from tall buildings and make you feel small. They make flippant comments from buses that imply you’re not sexy enough and that all the fun is happening somewhere else. They are on TV making your girlfriend feel inadequate. They have access to the most sophisticated technology the world has ever seen and they bully you with it. They are The Advertisers and they are laughing at you.

You, however, are forbidden to touch them. Trademarks, intellectual property rights and copyright law mean advertisers can say what they like wherever they like with total impunity.

Fuck that. Any advert in a public space that gives you no choice whether you see it or not is yours. It’s yours to take, re-arrange and re-use. You can do whatever you like with it. Asking for permission is like asking to keep a rock someone just threw at your head. You owe the companies nothing. Less than nothing, you especially don’t owe them any courtesy. They owe you. They have re-arranged the world to put themselves in front of you. They never asked for your permission, don’t even start asking for theirs.”

i dream in skin scented sentences
of a stronger faster fiercer you
and to each noun, verb and predicate
i dedicate a vivid hue
but you ain’t done too well
getting past your permanent pastel
have you now?
yes, the desert seemed so promising
and then it paled somehow

I still have my work

Some people just aren’t destined to be happy. Their lives are dedicated to a higher purpose.

I need to learn to accept this.

i’ve decided why i’m unhappy.

i have a clear picture of the person that i want to be, and i am i am unhappy when i am not progressing toward that picture. i am especially unhappy when there are reasons where i think i will never be that picture.

1. i want to have lots of people i can always hang out with. i hate feeling alone.
2. i want to be good looking instead of ugly and fat.
3. i don’t want 2011 to be the last year ever, that somebody new sees me naked. i don’t give a single shit what society says about it, that’s fucked up to the core.
4. i want to travel all over, have awesome hobbies, and have things to talk about other than computer crap.
5. i want to go out at 11pm, stay out all night, then have awesome stories of the crazy shit we did while drunk/high/sober/whatever. i don’t want my life to be an endless progression of ‘yeah, we watched a movie and stayed inside.’
6. everyone thinks that i’m just another straight person, and i hate that.

from now on, i’m going to do what makes me happy. if that means that she can’t live with me or ends up hating me, then she should leave me even though I’ll hate it, so that she can find someone else that will make her happy.

the only person i’m going to be is the one i want to be. full stop.

i know that she can fit into my life and that we can be happy together, but at the end of the day, i get another 20-30 years and then i’m fucking done. no do-overs.

after that, i sit in a chair in an old folks home remembering my life - is it going to be a life of regret, or is it going to be a complete life well lived?

i’m not going to live a compromise. life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.

you’re flawed if you aren’t free

I like your twisted point of view, Mike
I like your questioning eyebrows
You’ve made it pretty clear what you like
It’s only fair to tell you now

that I leave early in the morning
and I won’t be back till next year
I see that kiss-me pucker forming
but maybe you should plug it with a beer, cause

Papa was a rodeo - Mama was a rock’n’roll band
I could play guitar and rope a steer before I learned to stand
Home was anywhere with diesel gas - Love was a trucker’s hand
Never stuck around long enough for a one night stand
Before you kiss me you should know
Papa was a rodeo

The light reflecting off the mirror ball
looks like a thousand swirling eyes
They make me think I shouldn’t be here at all
You know, every minute someone dies

What are we doing in this dive bar
How can you live in a place like this
Why don’t you just get into my car
and I’ll take you away I’ll take that kiss now, but

Papa was a rodeo - Mama was a rock’n’roll band
I could play guitar and rope a steer before I learned to stand
Home was anywhere with diesel gas - Love was a trucker’s hand
Never stuck around long enough for a one night stand
Before you kiss me you should know
Papa was a rodeo

And now it’s 55 years later
We’ve had the romance of the century
After all these years wrestling gators
I still feel like crying when I think of what you said to me

Papa was a rodeo - Mama was a rock’n’roll band
I could play guitar and rope a steer before I learned to stand
Home was anywhere with diesel gas - Love was a trucker’s hand
Never stuck around long enough for a one night stand
Before you kiss me you should know
Papa was a rodeo

Before you kiss me you should know - Papa was a rodeo
What a coincidence, your Papa was a rodeo too

Papa Was a Rodeo