i’ve decided why i’m unhappy.
i have a clear picture of the person that i want to be, and i am i am unhappy when i am not progressing toward that picture. i am especially unhappy when there are reasons where i think i will never be that picture.
- i want to have lots of people i can always hang out with. i hate feeling alone.
- i want to be good looking instead of ugly and fat.
- i don’t want 2011 to be the last year ever, that somebody new sees me naked. i don’t give a single shit what society says about it, that’s fucked up to the core.
- i want to travel all over, have awesome hobbies, and have things to talk about other than computer crap.
- i want to go out at 11pm, stay out all night, then have awesome stories of the crazy shit we did while drunk/high/sober/whatever. i don’t want my life to be an endless progression of ‘yeah, we watched a movie and stayed inside.’
- everyone thinks that i’m just another straight person, and i hate that.
from now on, i’m going to do what makes me happy. if that means that she can’t live with me or ends up hating me, then she should leave me even though I’ll hate it, so that she can find someone else that will make her happy.
the only person i’m going to be is the one i want to be. full stop.
i know that she can fit into my life and that we can be happy together, but at the end of the day, i get another 20-30 years and then i’m fucking done. no do-overs.
after that, i sit in a chair in an old folks home remembering my life - is it going to be a life of regret, or is it going to be a complete life well lived?
i’m not going to live a compromise. life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.
